A 3 by 3 Inch Box

As all you Facebook creeps know, things in the Marlee/Keagan world have changed dramatically over the last few weeks. It's been a while since I posted and I thought I'd give an update as to what is going on in our lives.

1. It's been four months since I've posted because I let a very important part of myself die to be able to continue living the way I was, and apparently my ability to write lived in that part of my brain. I had put my blinders on and was going through the motions -- a semblance, a sham of a life. I had a very ugly eye-opening experience, and I made some changes for the better. I'm happier every day as I find myself coming back to life and waking up. I hadn't realized how small my life had became.

2. I'm officially a high school graduate! I'm soooo glad I never have to walk through those ugly yellow hallways ever again. I start college classes in 17 days and counting! I've officially switched my major to Pre-Med and will be starting on course to become a doctor someday. I'm thinking oncologist, but I'm sure that will change. It always does.

3. We're currently in Converse, but hopefully I will soon be employed and living in Kokomo. It's nice to be closer to family. :)

4. Keagan Lynn discovered her laugh a few days ago. Everything is HILARIOUS these days. She's running around and taking things off tables and knocking things over and as of today, biting like a baby alligator. She works on a barter system. If you want something she has, you better trade her. If she wants what in your hand, she thinks that she can just give you a toy and take what you've got. She's blond, beautiful, and a ray of sunshine.

Happiness is the strangest thing. It seems that I didn't even realize it was missing until the day it reappeared. I am so thankful things have changed. I am blessed to have all these people in my life that support me and my decisions. I'm going to try and get back to posting updates more regularly. :) 

Heartbreak Warfare

Living in constant combat is hell.

I AM HAPPY. Let's get that straight now before I have to listen to the whole, "If you're not happy just leave blahblahblah." CRAP. Quitting is for losers and divorcees. Love is much too precious a thing to throw away, especially when my baby is affected. I hate fighting. I hate mistrust. I hate knowing that I am a good person and a great mom, and it's still not enough. I love my life, and I know exactly who I want to spend it with, but I can't take the constant war.

The past is bleak, ugly. If the future is a perfect blank canvas, why is the ugliness constantly being smeared across it? It's irrelevant. I want so bad to forget the hurt and move on. It can't be as hard as it is being made.

Quit with the suspicion. I'm completely, 100% faithful. I haven't done or said a word that should jeopardize our love. So, relax. Breathe. Take a second. Please.

Freedom is sitting there on the negotiation table. Take it. I would understand. All I want is your happiness, and if I'm not I'm not what you want---GO. Find. Your. Happy.

I miss the man I fell in love with; I miss feeling like the person you fell in love with.

That Scary L-Word that I have Grown to Hate.

Love...

is a pain in the ass

It's true. I hate the damn stuff. It makes you say things that you don't mean, do stuff you never would. It makes perfectly rational people completely incapable of making any sort of smart decision. Love is messy. It's hard. It's terrible.

YET, I couldn't live without it. What is it about humans that makes us form emotional connections? You lock a human in a room and give them only all the food and water they could want, and they'll be dead way sooner than they should be. Why? People need love. Connections.

I suppose I should make better use of the ones I've got. Ready for the really super corny stuff? You don't know what you've got til it's gone. Truth.

Sh*t my Mama says that's oh so very true

1. Respond with Love - This is my latest project, and I am terrible at it. When someone starts throwing stones and/or rude words, all I wanna do is bash some heads in. I've been known to throw a punch or two (Sorry, Nicholas), but my specialty is flinging insults. I could destroy a heart in a second. I think P!nk said it best, "I am capable of really anything; I can cut you into pieces; When my heart is broken." However, my Mama has said again and again respond with love, turn the other cheek. I am trying hard to shut my mouth and try this out.
2. Trash in, Trash Out - The things you surround yourself with will affect how you act. Music is especially pervasive I've noticed. I try to avoid angry music for this very reason. (Except for Alanis Morissette; I need her.) People also have a huge affect on how you act. Any negatives that are in your life will translate into your actions and words. I try to keep things positive and as un-trashy as possible for this very reason.
3. It's a lot Easier to Sink - Lesson number three....You're a lot more likely to be dragged down to someone else's lower level than elevating them to yours. I have a bad habit of thinking that people will be made more honest by my honesty or more loving by my love. While this is true to a point, a tiger doesn't change their stripes over night.
4. Happy Attitude - If you tell yourself it is going to be a good day and see everything in a positive light, it will be. :)

Seeee, I listen when you talk, Mama. Thank you for your ever patient guidance and love. <3

Family

There was a time not so long ago that family was defined as blood relatives. However, in a world where over half of all marriages end in divorce, I whole-heartedly believe that this is no longer true. Family has almost nothing to do with blood and everything to do with love.

I've had people marry in and out of my family what feels like dozens of times, but the only ones that I've ever really considered family are the people that shared in the love, that contributed to the family comradery and truly melded. There were people (I have a couple ex step parents in mind here) that definitely did none of these things. They were technically family but never really.

When you have a child of your own it seems like the whole concept shifts again. Suddenly, your family shrinks to this little bundle of joy and mommy and daddy. The rest are still just as important, but its this unit that becomes the priority. It seems like some people never realize this and continue to try and please everyone while their little family unit suffers.

I've worked hard (Contrary to popular belief) to protect my family these last nine months. I know I haven't always done what's best, but I'm learning slowly but surely. I cherish every single day I can spend with my two favorite people, and I hope and pray nothing is ever big enough to rip it apart. As a child of multiple divorces, family has always been an ever shifting thing.

I have a rock now.

The Croup Monster

There is a fiend, a villain, a monster that creeps into almost every child's room at least once in their life. The baby wakes up with a cough like a barking seal and gasping for breath--Croup strikes fast and hard.

My first experience with it as a Mama came last week. Nick and I rushed our baby to the Duke's ER in the middle of the night. Our exam room neighbor was a woman coming off of a bad high. Awesome. We got to listen to her scream at the doctors all night. However, Keagan enjoyed flirting with the Peru police officers that were posted to watch the woman. She draws men in like flies, but that is its own post all together. It was the typical Er experience--long, slow, and exhausting. We got the same doctor as last time. (I'm referring to the Nail Fiasco of 2011). He remembered us which means several not all that funny remarks.

Three hours and three breathing treatments later, we were sent home exhausted. Keagan is on the mend, thank goodness, and business is returning to usual in our household.

Sleepy-Go-Night-Night

My favorite childhood memory is being carried to bed by my daddy. There can't be anything better than being sleepy, warm, four years old, and wrapped up in Daddy's arms. Except perhaps having my own baby girl wrapped in my arms.

I always wanted a snuggly baby--I didn't get one. God saw fit to give my a tornado. Her favorite pass-times include pulling things off tables and throwing them on the floor, and climbing Colby like a mountain (he takes this abuse silently and patiently). She likes to eat things off the floor and even drew blood by scratching her father in the face yesterday. I have no problem chasing her from one end of the house to the other. I enjoy her endless energy.

However, I love when seven o'clock rolls around and night time bottle is over. It means that Keagan is a sleepy girl. This is the only time of day that I can hold her without her trying to escape. I can kiss her little mouth without her biting my nose, and pet her head without her grabbing my hand. She's peaceful and quiet. As she finally drifts off, I am filled with peace and everything else kinda fades away.