That Scary L-Word that I have Grown to Hate.

Love...

is a pain in the ass

It's true. I hate the damn stuff. It makes you say things that you don't mean, do stuff you never would. It makes perfectly rational people completely incapable of making any sort of smart decision. Love is messy. It's hard. It's terrible.

YET, I couldn't live without it. What is it about humans that makes us form emotional connections? You lock a human in a room and give them only all the food and water they could want, and they'll be dead way sooner than they should be. Why? People need love. Connections.

I suppose I should make better use of the ones I've got. Ready for the really super corny stuff? You don't know what you've got til it's gone. Truth.

Sh*t my Mama says that's oh so very true

1. Respond with Love - This is my latest project, and I am terrible at it. When someone starts throwing stones and/or rude words, all I wanna do is bash some heads in. I've been known to throw a punch or two (Sorry, Nicholas), but my specialty is flinging insults. I could destroy a heart in a second. I think P!nk said it best, "I am capable of really anything; I can cut you into pieces; When my heart is broken." However, my Mama has said again and again respond with love, turn the other cheek. I am trying hard to shut my mouth and try this out.
2. Trash in, Trash Out - The things you surround yourself with will affect how you act. Music is especially pervasive I've noticed. I try to avoid angry music for this very reason. (Except for Alanis Morissette; I need her.) People also have a huge affect on how you act. Any negatives that are in your life will translate into your actions and words. I try to keep things positive and as un-trashy as possible for this very reason.
3. It's a lot Easier to Sink - Lesson number three....You're a lot more likely to be dragged down to someone else's lower level than elevating them to yours. I have a bad habit of thinking that people will be made more honest by my honesty or more loving by my love. While this is true to a point, a tiger doesn't change their stripes over night.
4. Happy Attitude - If you tell yourself it is going to be a good day and see everything in a positive light, it will be. :)

Seeee, I listen when you talk, Mama. Thank you for your ever patient guidance and love. <3

Family

There was a time not so long ago that family was defined as blood relatives. However, in a world where over half of all marriages end in divorce, I whole-heartedly believe that this is no longer true. Family has almost nothing to do with blood and everything to do with love.

I've had people marry in and out of my family what feels like dozens of times, but the only ones that I've ever really considered family are the people that shared in the love, that contributed to the family comradery and truly melded. There were people (I have a couple ex step parents in mind here) that definitely did none of these things. They were technically family but never really.

When you have a child of your own it seems like the whole concept shifts again. Suddenly, your family shrinks to this little bundle of joy and mommy and daddy. The rest are still just as important, but its this unit that becomes the priority. It seems like some people never realize this and continue to try and please everyone while their little family unit suffers.

I've worked hard (Contrary to popular belief) to protect my family these last nine months. I know I haven't always done what's best, but I'm learning slowly but surely. I cherish every single day I can spend with my two favorite people, and I hope and pray nothing is ever big enough to rip it apart. As a child of multiple divorces, family has always been an ever shifting thing.

I have a rock now.

The Croup Monster

There is a fiend, a villain, a monster that creeps into almost every child's room at least once in their life. The baby wakes up with a cough like a barking seal and gasping for breath--Croup strikes fast and hard.

My first experience with it as a Mama came last week. Nick and I rushed our baby to the Duke's ER in the middle of the night. Our exam room neighbor was a woman coming off of a bad high. Awesome. We got to listen to her scream at the doctors all night. However, Keagan enjoyed flirting with the Peru police officers that were posted to watch the woman. She draws men in like flies, but that is its own post all together. It was the typical Er experience--long, slow, and exhausting. We got the same doctor as last time. (I'm referring to the Nail Fiasco of 2011). He remembered us which means several not all that funny remarks.

Three hours and three breathing treatments later, we were sent home exhausted. Keagan is on the mend, thank goodness, and business is returning to usual in our household.

Sleepy-Go-Night-Night

My favorite childhood memory is being carried to bed by my daddy. There can't be anything better than being sleepy, warm, four years old, and wrapped up in Daddy's arms. Except perhaps having my own baby girl wrapped in my arms.

I always wanted a snuggly baby--I didn't get one. God saw fit to give my a tornado. Her favorite pass-times include pulling things off tables and throwing them on the floor, and climbing Colby like a mountain (he takes this abuse silently and patiently). She likes to eat things off the floor and even drew blood by scratching her father in the face yesterday. I have no problem chasing her from one end of the house to the other. I enjoy her endless energy.

However, I love when seven o'clock rolls around and night time bottle is over. It means that Keagan is a sleepy girl. This is the only time of day that I can hold her without her trying to escape. I can kiss her little mouth without her biting my nose, and pet her head without her grabbing my hand. She's peaceful and quiet. As she finally drifts off, I am filled with peace and everything else kinda fades away.

Scrubba Dub Dub

When it gets dark outside and Keagan starts banging her little fists against the bathroom door and yelling, it could only mean one thing....bath time. I open the door, and she goes into her turbo crawl across the tile floor. She pulls herself up on the side of the tub and smacks it until I get the water the right temperature.

I snatch her up and undress her. This is the only time she cooperates with me. Any other time she is wiggling and turning and grabbing at anything she can get her grubby little paws on, but she sits patiently and waits until her diaper is wrapped up in a bundle. Then, It's right back to her frenzied excitement.

I put her in the water and the first time her little fist hits the water, she splashes me directly in the face. I swear, the aim on that girl. I don't mind, though. We both laugh. She gleefully kicks and splashes and giggles. I try to hold her still long enough to actually wash her, and then just let her play. She is fascinated by the water flowing from the tap. She runs her hands through it and plays with her reflection in the faucet.

I let her play until she's pruney and we're both soaked, and finally manage to extract her from the tub. We both love our time to play and splash together. I can't help but think that someday I'm going to look back and miss this.

Bad Mommy Days

Every Mama has days where they are less than the perfect mother. Someone *cough*Keagan Lynn*cough* gets into the dog's water FIVE times and has to have her outfit changed FIVE times, and I lose my cool. Nothing sucks more than sitting down after my tornado FINALLY falls asleep and thinking to myself, "I wasn't the best mother I could be today."

The best part is, mad Mama is apparently funny Mama. She giggles at me as I pick her up for the millionth time. She doesn't even register that what she is doing isn't a good thing. She is little. She is innocent. She can't help it. It breaks my heart as I think that I might have hurt my baby's feelings today, and she doesn't even know why.

I have tomorrow to fix any wrongs, to wrap my baby up in my arms and do better.

Three, Two, One...Blast Off.

I feel like there quite possibly could not be anything more conceited than blogging -- "Hey everyone! my life is Awesome. Please ogle accordingly." My life is certainly awesome, but not in the typical shopping spree and world-class vacation fashion. I'm poor as a church mouse, a teenage mother, and a hardcore spaz. There is nothing to ogle at here but love. I am blessed with the world's most beautiful gift -- Keagan Lynn.

We're growing up together, Keagan and I. We both have about the same distance to travel on our quest for maturity. Keagan is learning that Mama doesn't like it when she crawls up to the dog and opens her mouth so that he can give it a thorough cleaning with his tongue, and Mama is learning that just maybe dog slobber isn't such a big deal.

We have days on top of the world, and there are days that all we both want to do is cry. I know one thing for certain.

I couldn't pick a better travel companion.